Thursday, September 6, 2012

Too little. Too late.

So. I mean five years later....whoa!!! It's too late for Nancy. She died almost 2 months ago. I DO miss her. Most of all I miss the influence she had on me. She never knew. She knows now! It's funny how life teaches us what we need to know. Like how important our children are...I learned well, Nancy! But it took your dying to show me that. And blundering into your house the way I did.Well, as blundering as I can with a stroke!

It's been over a year now. The infamous year. The point of no return. No one "gets" back what they lost after that point. Funny that I stroked almost a year to the day of your birthday. There must be something there...just  beyond my reach.They tell me it was August 8th. Your birthday was August 15th. The day Heather quit her job to stay home with Wilson...a year later.The day we went to the house to grieve was in there somewhere. I'm so sorry. I had a stroke and you had to celebrate your birthday. A year and a week since the stroke. There was something there. But I don't know what. I just loaded up your stuff and thought I would take it with me. Use your example. Set it up like you had it.The kids and grandkids would be welcome there. And it would remind them of you. That was the point of all of it. We never thought about the kids needing the money. Never thought about how it would look to the kids. It was so stupid.I never even made the connection before. Until now.  We had your stuff. You died. It was a year since the stroke. Since I was not supposed to get back what I'd lost. We had your stuff. Something weren't supposed to leave me!!!!!  Heather came up with something about Mom and taking Ron's money...I don't know!!! I had a stroke!!!! But I know that you always intervened for me with Harold. Maybe with Ron...I don't know!!!!I do know that it has something to do with your estate sale and the anniversary of my stroke and the fact that I wasn't supposed to get anything back after that and the fact that your children reacted so violently. I'm sure it was them grieving for you, and Harold, and my grieving over a year that had passed with no progress, and the way they saw me not grieving for you, only for my children and husband. It must have seemed so stupid to them. You always said, "If you think you can't you can't. And if you think you can, you can." It's really very simple. And so like you to make it a riddle...